Cinema Inferno

21 Jul

Should I start this post with an apology for my absenteeism? I am sorry for the lapse, but life has done one of those things it is notorious for…knocking you on your ass. That is really only thing I can say is the reason for not posting. I have wanted to many times, but I didn’t have the energy. I also asked myself, “what are you going to say? More of the obvious? That I have a perspective different than most because of events during my development?” That gets old.

I am writing today to express some things because I need to, and writing is the “go to” for me. Fuck books and shit, I really write just because I have to. Why the hell would I have a blog for 2 years otherwise? But back to today’s need for expression. Today is the birthday of my mother.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANITA.

I know you worked with what you could, darlin’

But I can’t find any respect for your avoidance. I know you had to do what you had to do…

And I know I did not inherit my courage from you.

Know I feel free of guilt

Not that it would soothe you

But that is not my intention.

I came to throw salt

on your winter walkways and wailing wounds,

To declare “FIN”

on this documentary of the damned.

Roll credits…of which you get none.

 

 

What It’s Like To Starve Yourself

15 Jul Featured Image -- 1263

Originally posted on Thought Catalog:

Starving yourself is a lot easier than you might think. You start out with an itch, but one that comes from the inside, a feeling that fingers can’t reach. That feeling turns to pain, but not the pangs you’ve been promised. It’s a more hollow pain, like that ringing after you hit your head on something, the moment where everything hurts but is strangely clear at the same time.

After awhile, though, you just get tired. You find yourself wanting to go to sleep, even though it’s only 6:00 P.M., and you wonder why you feel this way. You had a full night’s sleep last night — actually, you overslept. You overslept the night before, too. In fact, you’ve been sleeping a lot lately. You stop to consider this fact and then you realize can’t remember the last time you ate. You know that you had to eat at some…

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I don’t know what to call this but its pretty angry.

3 Jun

There are a few

that have it coming

But cowardice keeps them safe

along with 6 feet of dirt

 

 

 

Limb from limb you feel the adrenaline piercing through your veins

and the sound of a footstep, the flash of a shadow

keeps you poised

Keeps the poison flowing

 

What do you do with the warrior

when there is no war

you who created this “lonely dragon;”

Now you cower at its presence

isnt it fine when it serves you?

you unleash the beast

watch it decimate for you

what do you do when it bites YOU?

Seers you with its flaming breath?

Cry in pain and scatter, lukewarm fodder.

 

The inquiry goes directly to he who had my name

you stood blameless surrounded by disease

incurring my pity and escaping my gaze

what were you to do with your creation?

To deny your role is simply not conceivable

so what would you have me do?

Wander long into the darkness of the night and of the soul

Hating and scalding

While you absolve yourself, washing your blood soaked hands?

Nice try Lady Macbeth, but this one isn’t washing away.

You taught me fear and hate.

I renounce you and these values of suffering.

I will not hate you, nor will I fear you.

But the mention of your name across my lips

Is as sweet as kerosene,

and as easily ignited.

 

You have no war to blame

Just the one within you

That you lost with flying colors.

Cowardice, thy name is James.

You who “spared” me,

out of fear? out of a sudden allegiance to morality?

Not spared but pardoned

out of fear and not love

I BANISH YOU.

 

Find your answers elsewhere

Be glad I have turned away the gaze

and spared YOU.

 

In the Kingdom of the Blind, the One Eyed are Queens.

22 May

There are certain words in my lexicon

I refrain from using

because I can still hear them

being uttered from your mouth.

 

All those books I remember seeing

Box after box

Amazed at how you amassed such knowledge.

I wanted to be a sponge

to absorb any of the drippings

of your gilded, latent wisdom.

 

Squeezing myself into a smaller container

As not to take up any more room

in the carefully packed and structured life,

You constructed around yourself as a fortress.

 

I kept my lethal tongue silent

And turned away the razors in my eyes

To permit myself to be proselytized.

You squandered your Doubting Thomas.

 

I was right behind you, swathed in allegiance;

You didn’t turn around.

You didn’t hear my voice above the maddening crowd.

 

The grip that once held was built

on a beautiful sunny day,

at the beach.

We constructed out of sand

a bridge and a castle,

complete with a moat and a damsel in distress.

 

Even an evil queen eating an apple.

 

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

13 May

We are all diamonds with so many facets. It can be confusing to remember all the facets a person has. Easily they fade when out of our line of sight. I have looked closely at a few specific diamonds lately. How they shimmer and don’t even realize it. Just by being, just by trying, they are worthy. They were always diamonds. They just kept looking at themselves in cracked mirrors and started to  believe what they saw. Still underneath the silt of all shame and guilt there are diamonds.

What fresh hell is this that leads you to understanding enough to understand no one is to blame? That it just is and we just are. All perfect in our fractured fractal gem like state watching the sun rise and set hoping we see another day. The tears that fall must fall and nothing is truly in vain ever. Even our our vanity has a purpose; to be vain. Thinking nothing is useless is so painful. Because it means it is all necessary somehow.

Welcome Back Kelly

13 May

I haven’t been around. I did it again. I disappeared. I fell down. I’m getting back up now.

Life can hurt pretty fucking bad.

I’m still here.

That is good.

I woke up today. Also good.

Even when life hurts and cuts and lacerates me

I come back.

I have to, and we all know why.

For the smell of my bed

The taste of coffee

His blue eyes

and for

hope.

Weather

24 Apr

Weather

Paradoxical, perplexing, promising
Perfect for small talk

Contributing to my moods,
Atmosphere, and cabin fever.

Balked by Samuel Clemens
We are subject
And subjects
To Queen Mother Nature

Bono knows the deal
“If you wanna kiss the Sky, better learn how to kneel.”
Hey buddy-are your knees achin’?
I want to believe
They are. Mine are.

I will climb
To Lhasa
As a pilgrim
Will that work
To answer prayers?

Wishing it were complicated
To give my mind’s teeth a slab of me to tear
Instead I know
My proverbial sweater
Is snagged on simplicity.

The truth of nothingness
And how much to NOT do.
Besides, if it gets to be too much,
Just stick around.

You know what they say about the weather
Give it 15 minutes.
It will change.

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