I have apps on my phone and tablet that tell me to record my happiness so I can keep it in the forefront of my mind. I kept up with the process of recording my happiness but my effort dwindled. Now I find the reminder from my “happy app” annoying, and when I see it pop up I feel like I suck because I am not writing down how happy I am. It can feel like I am not trying to be happy, like I am not working at it. I don’t know if I have ever worked at something so hard in my life.
I am not complaining. I am merely expressing my confusion. Happiness is a state that is natural yet it seems like as a species we are obsessed with finding it and securing it, while we may not even fully understand it. Safety and happiness are not the same, although it seems often the two are considered synonomous.
I have spent years documenting my thoughts and feelings in this format. As I have been away from this medium for a while I have needed to assess what my motivation is here. Being a private person has been a point of contention while I have kept this blog. I find that I am less and less inclined to want to write about myself or the events in the past, which is what the bulk of this blog has been. In short, I am sick of writing about myself, about the traumatic events I encountered, and conflicts that have risen as I have tried to reprogram my mind. I suppose my focus has shifted. This is not a resolution or result of some bullshit obligation because of the new year. Since the activity of the winter holidays has dissipated I have had time to regard my feelings and found I am no longer interested in documenting how I deal with the world as a person with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I would rather focus my efforts on helping the world heal (myself included), and maybe share my experiences in creating a life of peace and beauty.
I cannot avoid documenting for that seems to be a successful method for me to process information, however, I am choosing to document different things. I am not so hell bent on undoing what has been done because I see that it has given me gifts. I have had an interest in social issues since I can remember, so I will most likely turn my lens that direction in future posts, or other random shit that is fun and/or fascinating, like Buddhism, subcultures, societal evolution, and compassion. Maybe even a recipe. Hardy har har…
Have a great day.